Mother chants her litany of boredom and frustration, but we know all her suicides are fake

So on Saturday Liz and I made our way to the racetrack to see The Police. In preparation, I'd made driven Liz crazy watching Everyone Stares and listening to Message In a Box all week. Every time I go to a concert these days I wonder if it's going to be my last: I've own every Police and Sting album and the cost of the tickets pretty much matched the cost of buying them all. Perhaps ticket prices are increasing at a ludicrous rate. Perhaps I'm a parsimonious bastard. Probably a little of both.

"Hang on," I thought as soon as the support act, Fiction Plane started playing, "that bloke sounds almost exactly like Sting." Which made more sense when I learned it was his son. Fiction Plane sounded incredible. Expect them to be big.

The other support act was Fergie. Yeah, I didn't understand that either. See, I'm not opposed to today's popular music per se, but sandwiched between the rock of Fiction Plane and the Rock of The Police... I don't know. They couldn't have put Dave Dobbyn (Th' Dudes would be a good match), or Neil Finn (Or Tim, or Liam) up there? After a couple of her own songs, she started a medley of Black Eyed Peas stuff, then a medley of rock classics. if I'd wanted to hear someone sing "Live and Let Die" really badly I could have stayed home and played singstar. Oooh, aren't I mean. To be fair though, her band and dancers were very entertaining while Fergie was offstage for one of her three costume changes. For those of you keeping track, that's one costume every 20 minutes. I guess an important part of driving the brothers crazy and doing it on the daily is access to a significant wardrobe.

And then The Police. Still got it. Andy seemed in a bit of a foul mood and I'm sure Sting was giving him evils at one point. Steward Copeland- outstanding. I don't know if it really comes through on CD exactly how good a drummer he is. Sting is Sting. Seeing the Police live is totally different to seeing a Sting solo show. But what was missing in audio precision was more than compensated for in energy. Three seconds into Synchronicity II the whole place was on its feet.

And here I save you money. Thanks to the power of YouTube (like the power of Greyskull but with better animation), you can produce the whole thing in the comfort of your own home.

Step 1: give some guy three hundred dollars
Step 2: wait for a drink for an hour (don't actually get the drink because the bar closed while you were waitng)
Step 3: watch the videos below

Fiction Plane: Two Sisters



Fergie Alanis Morissette: My Humps


The Police: Message in a Bottle